I’ve become everything I swore I wouldn’t be.
Well, not everything, but imagine if I wrote the above sentence in all caps with an exclamation mark and an airbrushed picture of myself with Macaulay Culkin’s iconic expression from Home Alone. Nah, even that won’t be clickbait-y enough. Having an Of in the title and keeping the potential reader guessing is how I draw in readers, unlike what the rest of the internet does. Even if I wanted to clickbait, I wouldn’t know how. Or like more things in my life, I just couldn’t be arsed to learn.
There I go, committing another social media sin I can only commit if I was big, i.e. popular enough. I should jump straight into my bad habits, shouldn’t I? Like I said in the title. Like what I promised to the potential clicker, oops I mean reader. I wouldn’t call you a fan, or give you a nickname like opinionater because I’m not a complete *BritishSlangForFemaleBodyPart*. I don’t even call you followers because I haven’t started a cult. Not yet.
But anyway, now we’re getting to the subject. I’ve been a *SlangForHumanRefuse* blogger this year. And that might be reflected in other seemingly non-related bad habits. Which may have something overall to say about myself as an entity, something I’ve never shied away from sharing with you, though you don’t know anything about me. And that’s completely normal, right? I’m happy with the transaction, but would you like to know more? Should I do a Q+A when I reach, what is it now, 2600 subscribers? Comment below (and please God have enough questions in case I do do this to save me from embarrassment).
Oh, oh, almost there. But, you’ve always known digression is a bad habit of mine, and you love me for it. I slow you down, I tease you, but I always leave you with a smile on your face that you can’t deny. You commend me on my honesty so here comes the first, newly acquired bad habit:
I watch shit video content on my phone with headphones on. And I do that every spare moment I get.
Yes, me who used to go on and on about culture, art, music, literature. Who used to run a philosophy blog. Who tried to get involved in other nice, noble, intellectual, conscientious things. It is I, who watches things like ’10 Reasons Why Kim Kardashian is Hated’. Without even knowing anything about Kim Kardashian.
That’s the truth. That’s why I’ve been a bad blogger and a non-writer this year. I would have thought going over to the dark side would be cooler than this. My demons, my baser self would be something to write about. But, my shadow does not involve addictive substances. No, it’s being angry (or to be jawdroppingly honest, intensely jealous) at Taylor Swift for trademarking the year 1989. When I wasn’t even born in that year. (Do I have to pay somebody for writing it here?)
I don’t even watch videos about music anymore. That’s what my main YouTube consumption used to be since it’s inception. Documentaries, live performances and awkward classic interviews. I did watch real people, but mostly those performing covers. And now I watch their morning routines where they try to sell me alarm clocks that cost more than a month’s salary. Which makes me think I should get a better job.
It’s not all bad. I discovered a channel called JaackMaate and though most of his videos are about YouTube stars of whom I know nothing, he’s properly, future British comedy star, funny. The highlight of my day is him tearing apart Zoella’s advent calendar, and I know next to nothing about her. What is wrong with me?
Just to give you an indication of how bad things are, I wrote in my To-do list for today: Watch film. Any film, doesn’t matter, as long as it’s something more worthwhile than ’10 Celebrities With Unbelievable Body Parts’. I sat with Amazon Prime and Netflix for two hours, but couldn’t decide on anything. I could have to gone to the cinema, I haven’t for several months, but I couldn’t be bothered. I’d rather watch loads of bite-sized videos on ‘How To Be Productive’ than actually be productive.
Why have I descended to this? I only use my computer for work, or when I write my hardly-weekly blog posts. I’m writing this on my phone, or it just wouldn’t get written. Do I need a blog intervention, or a life one?
A tweet of mine went viral the other day (I guess it’s viral with 800 likes and 400 retweets?). Nothing ever has before, and so I was pleasantly surprised. It was genuinely heartfelt, not bait-y at all. But, that tiny bit of tweet-fame didn’t feel much. If anything, it was annoying getting notifications all *SlangWordForTheActOfProcreation* day, until I figured out how to turn it off.
What is this strange relationship I have with the internet? Or, is it just who I am? Was I meant to become this person, with or without clickbait?
There a line that Cathy says in Wuthering Heights (I can’t be fussed to look it up) that goes something like, when you lose your dreams, it’s rather nice to see the passing of someone else’s. I.e., when you’re going down, it’s reassuring to see other people go down too. I watch those productivity videos to punish myself and then those celebrity expositions to feel better. And all because I’ve become more aware, more realistic about my potential and my limitations in life, and instead of working on them, I feel pleased when other people fail.
Oh God, I’m bloody Cathy, and I don’t even have two guys fawning over me. Or Kate Bush writing a song about me. (Let’s face it, if she did, it would be more like Eminem’s “Stan”.)
I’m just speaking rubbish now. I can’t say I had a bad year, in the sense of being difficult, challenging, depressing. But, it has been a rubbish year, a non-starter, a wasted opportunity despite nice things happening. I feel stuck, unmotivated, uninspired, blase. I need cheap thrills just to feel connected to my fellow anthropes.
There is no solution my friend (and if you’re still reading, you are😊💝). I had a friend who used to give me shit advice like ‘things will sort themselves out’. No, they won’t. You need to do something about them. Always. Even if it’s accepting that you can’t do anything. People keep telling me to be easier on myself. So, should I refrain from judging myself for judging Taylor Swift? But, does that validate what I feel about Taylor Swift (actually, feel is too strong a word considering I know nothing of her work or her)? Do I need to, not hate (though that’s what she would call me, given her most famous lyric), but blame people of no real consequence just to feel better about my own helplessness? Isn’t that what celebrity culture is about, venting all your frustrations (as well as your dreams, as in the case of fan boy/girl-ing) on people you’re never going to have any dealings with?
Hey, it’s better than rejoicing in the misery of real people, isn’t it? Maybe, you need something to exorcise your badness somewhere, because we’ve all got ’em. And if you can’t punch a bag because you’re afraid of breaking your hands, shit TV/videos are the next best thing.
Name your terrible habits below (You know you’ve got them!).